Depth Feels Like LIGHT ✨

a birthday post

I woke up this morning, my 47th birthday, and braced for the complicated feelings that always arise on this middle day in June. A flush of sweetness. A tinge of resentment. A bit of excitement or is it anxiety? I can’t always tell.

Anyway, I felt none of that. It was early - before 7am - but I was rested. We’re in New York City now for jackass, with London before that, plus a day trip to Paris. All of these time zones in the past 72 hours, and yet I managed to sleep through the night.

Jeff was still asleep and I never can figure out how to work hotel room coffee machines, so I poured some cold water into a glass and pulled my journal out of my travel backpack. It is my habit to journal in the early hours on my birthday, but my mind was blank. I wrote three-quarters of the page about my feelings on turning 47 and then the words came to a natural close.

Unusual.

I tend towards ruminations. I thrill to rehash the past. Dreaming forward always makes me feel hopeful and purposeful. I repeat myself over and over again in journal entries, but I don’t tire of it. It makes me feel rooted in who I am and what I believe about myself. The three paragraphs I wrote this morning on my birthday were not repetitive, nor were they incomplete. I meant every word and then I was done.

Interesting.

Last year on my birthday, I released a podcast episode where I said this:

“Nobody told me when I started my therapy journey that it would take over a decade to finally release some of the things that you walk into that room to release.

But that’s my story. I held tightly onto some of my grievances. I held the tightest onto some of my pain points that had become part of my identity.

I don’t want that to be part of my identity. Angst on a late 40s privileged mom who has the career of her dreams? It ain’t cute.

It’s not charming. My angsty teenage self who liked to journal while it was raining and pour out my heartbreak? I’ve got a lot of compassion for that version of myself. I understand why that felt like depth to me, but it doesn’t anymore.

Depth to me now feels like light.”

I went searching for that episode transcript and was shocked by how much I still feel that way, and even more so a year later. I wouldn’t have articulated it like that today, because it has become more of who I am daily. But last June I was still in the novelty of releasing my own stories, the relationships and narratives that didn’t serve me, the many parts of myself that I had outgrown.

(You can listen to that whole episode HERE.)

Twelve months later, I have doubled and tripled down on those feelings and actions. I have spent over a year releasing, releasing, releasing. Imperfectly but still substantially. My life is lighter. My social calendar is emptier. My journal entries are shorter.

Recently I read some nonfiction writing advice about talking to the version of yourself from three months ago or ten years ago or whatever past self needs the information or encouragement. I like that sentiment and may employ that for an essay or two here coming up. But I also really love the idea of our past selves showing us exactly who we’re becoming and letting that speak to us, too.

June 2025 Laura was on exactly the right path. 2026 Laura is the embodiment of that.

More laughter. Less judgement. More noticing. Less spiraling.

Depth doesn’t feel heavy, brooding, intellectual, or nuanced.

Depth feels like LIGHT. ✨

PS - Highly recommend taking selfies on or near your birthday. Take them whether you like the way you look or not. I have a birthday selfie from 2023 that breaks my heart a little. This one above I took on Tuesday, when my teenagers convinced me to take a train from London to Paris for a long lunch. I can see everything about right now written all over my face.